The path i always wanted to travel......

I always wished i was a loner
i hav always wanted to be independant
i hav always wanted my family to be proud of me
i had always wanted my mother to know how sincere i was
i had always wanted to tell her how my anger was only in my words, and not my heart
i had always wanted my life to make me courageous and bold
i had always been expectant n happy wit th way my life takes me
i had never hated anyone n said no to anyone til now


BUT NOW

i hav half of the things i wanted in my life
but never the way i wanted it to be..
When i wished for roses
i was given thorns
when i asked to make me brave
i was given trouble

i am now ,wat i always aspired to be
yet, never the way i wanted it to be happening.

Life is like that.
When ur questions are answered
u would hav forgotten wat ur questions were
when u achieve somethin in life
u would hav lost everythin in life
when u find the meaning of ur very existance
ur existance wouldn matter at all
when ur problems are solved
u wil realise they were no problems at all..

When u realise how blissful u were to be given th gift of life

u would no longer be alive..

By this time u realise life was a drama and that u hav done justice to the role offered to u....

U wil realise, all ur life u hav lived a drama, where the destiny of ur character was decided much before u were born,by hands unseen...

Mother's absence .....

I dont smile anymore.not that i dont feel like,but i never quite am happy

i dont feel hungry anymore,as no one is bothered about my having or not having any meals or coffee

i dont hav any right to complain cause wat ever anyone does, just feels like alms for me.AFTER ALL, BEGGARS CANT BE CHOOSERS..

I have learnt to keep my mouth shut ,as questioning and thinking rationally and expressing my views are no longer,allowed.

I have learnt to be contented in my life, as there isnt any bigger loss which i can expect,and there are so many smaller probs which are no longer probs for me

i hav learnt not to depend on anyone,cause,when i call home,there s no one to answer my call.all i hav is a busy father n a deaf relatives to tell my problems to.which i dont intend to

i hav stopped believing in anythin else ,but my own mind.cause no one pays me to believe god.and wat i cant reason out,doesn exist.

I cant take tension anymore,as i hav no one to discuss it wit .so i shut down the system n go to sleep.

Well,these are only a few changes she has brought in my life after i hav ceased to experience her.

If i tell everything,then, may be, it may not make any sense at all.

All i can tell is, it doesn,even a lil bit feel good.

This incident, of my mother s passing away, has and wil hav an impact on every single day,every single minute of my life.

Whether i like it or not, its reality, and the sooner i accept ,the better.

All i wish to tell her is, i miss her very much.and more than that i miss my happiness.

I miss my smile.

I miss my talk

i miss the old me...

5 Years Gone & It Still Hurts...

My Mom died five years ago today in home, delhi...  from muscular destrophy. She's been 5 years gone and it still hurts emotionally, sometimes badly. five years of living life without my Mother, five years without hearing her voice or feeling her touch. five years.....

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Random memories flashed through my mind today, all day, about what happened on this day five  years ago.

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I was the one who called her only remaining close relatives alive, my aunt and uncle, I remember calling them but I don't remember what we said to one another. I also remember calling my father, and telling him that she had died; I remember hearing his voice fill with tears and wondering what was going through his mind at that exact moment.

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Jasmine were my Mom's favorite flower and they had bloomed early that year. Many bushes had few flowers on them, but mine the backyard had some. The funeral director did a wonderful thing; he brought in jasmine blooms from the bushes in his own backyard because he knew they were important to us. 

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I remember seeing my father crying at the graveside ceremony and I asked him why he was crying. Why did I ask him that? He had spent over 18 years of life with my Mom and was he crying because he still loved her in a way? he couldn't admit that he might be crying because maybe he still loved her, maybe he regretted leaving her, or maybe he was telling the truth.

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My whole family was beside him and every1 was crying too. I felt little emotion about it at that time, but now I wonder what there tears were for. I never asked why they were crying and I never will. But I did see her in a new light that day; they cared for my Mom, someway, somehow. By that point in time, I no longer felt any anger toward there for role in our family problems. The part of me that blamed other members, the part of me that was still a little boy.Seeing every1 cry made that part of me go away forever.

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I remember being at the cemetery, after the graveside ceremony was over, listening to myself wailing that i dnt want to leave Mom alone to be put into the cold, hard ground. I didn't either, but I kept silent because I knew it had to happen. 

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Random memories. Why did I remember these things today? What meaning can be found in these memories of the day of my Mother's death and the days immediately afterward? I look that them now, in writing, and see no pattern really, no reason why these are the memories that jumped out at me today. Sometimes, memories are like that, random and without reason.

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Today...after five years..I sat with her memories  for awhile last night, caressing the headstone. I talked to her, telling her how much I love her.. miss her. I told her everything that had gone on the past years to me. You can't touch memories, you can't hold them in your hand & feel them there. You can, however, hold them in your heart, which is what I do with my Mother's memories each & every day.

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Five years ago today, my life changed forever in an instant when my Mother died. Suddenly the world seemed a lot more frightening & painful. It became a much more lonely place for me. I no longer had my "Mommy" there to protect me from the full brunt of life's pain. Even though I become too tough , after my Mother's death I discovered that she had still protected me, somehow, from the worst of life's pain even after I'd become an adult & had gone out into the world on my own. I don't know how she did it, all I know is that she did.

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My Mother left me many things--not material things--emotional lessons & wonderful memories. She also left me memories of bad times too, when we clashed over different issues & drifted apart from one another. I learned from her that life contains good times & bad, and that you can't have one without the other. She taught me to always try & hang onto your faith. She taught me how to love and how to hate.

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So I say to her, thank you Mom. Thank you for your life, my life..From all of these things I have learned about what is important in life. I have learned from you that love is the greatest thing in the world...and that is can ironically be the worst thing too at times. I learned from you that no one is perfect & that it is okay. I learned from you pride & humility. Sadness & joy. From you, I learned how to live.

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Thank you, Mom, for everything. Please know that I love you with all my heart & I miss you with all of my soul. I hope you are proud of me & what I have accomplished on my own since you left this world five  years  ago today. I am still standing here, strong, on my own, living life. Just like you taught me to do.