The path i always wanted to travel......

I always wished i was a loner
i hav always wanted to be independant
i hav always wanted my family to be proud of me
i had always wanted my mother to know how sincere i was
i had always wanted to tell her how my anger was only in my words, and not my heart
i had always wanted my life to make me courageous and bold
i had always been expectant n happy wit th way my life takes me
i had never hated anyone n said no to anyone til now


BUT NOW

i hav half of the things i wanted in my life
but never the way i wanted it to be..
When i wished for roses
i was given thorns
when i asked to make me brave
i was given trouble

i am now ,wat i always aspired to be
yet, never the way i wanted it to be happening.

Life is like that.
When ur questions are answered
u would hav forgotten wat ur questions were
when u achieve somethin in life
u would hav lost everythin in life
when u find the meaning of ur very existance
ur existance wouldn matter at all
when ur problems are solved
u wil realise they were no problems at all..

When u realise how blissful u were to be given th gift of life

u would no longer be alive..

By this time u realise life was a drama and that u hav done justice to the role offered to u....

U wil realise, all ur life u hav lived a drama, where the destiny of ur character was decided much before u were born,by hands unseen...

Mother's absence .....

I dont smile anymore.not that i dont feel like,but i never quite am happy

i dont feel hungry anymore,as no one is bothered about my having or not having any meals or coffee

i dont hav any right to complain cause wat ever anyone does, just feels like alms for me.AFTER ALL, BEGGARS CANT BE CHOOSERS..

I have learnt to keep my mouth shut ,as questioning and thinking rationally and expressing my views are no longer,allowed.

I have learnt to be contented in my life, as there isnt any bigger loss which i can expect,and there are so many smaller probs which are no longer probs for me

i hav learnt not to depend on anyone,cause,when i call home,there s no one to answer my call.all i hav is a busy father n a deaf relatives to tell my problems to.which i dont intend to

i hav stopped believing in anythin else ,but my own mind.cause no one pays me to believe god.and wat i cant reason out,doesn exist.

I cant take tension anymore,as i hav no one to discuss it wit .so i shut down the system n go to sleep.

Well,these are only a few changes she has brought in my life after i hav ceased to experience her.

If i tell everything,then, may be, it may not make any sense at all.

All i can tell is, it doesn,even a lil bit feel good.

This incident, of my mother s passing away, has and wil hav an impact on every single day,every single minute of my life.

Whether i like it or not, its reality, and the sooner i accept ,the better.

All i wish to tell her is, i miss her very much.and more than that i miss my happiness.

I miss my smile.

I miss my talk

i miss the old me...